Sunday, November 26, 2006

Thoughts on the Process

I learned an amazing amout while writing Dear Samantha. I learned that:

  • I can finish a large project like this;
  • If you show up every day, the work will get done;
  • If you write every day your writing will get better;
  • If you show up and start typing, the words will come, and the ideas will flow, almost like water flowing from a faucet;
  • Inspiration comes not when you're consciously thinking about it, but when you're in line at the grocery store, in the bathtub, stirring the soup, and walking the dogs;
  • You become very attached to your characters, and are sad when bad things happen to them;
  • Sometimes the things you plan for your story don't go exactly the way you want them to go. In other words, the characters have a mind of their own.

So, where do I go from here, novelist that I now am (LOL!)

  • Print out all 82 pages and read it straight through (trying hard not to gag!)
  • Think about revising and re-working (someday!)

What's next?

  • This blog will become something new and completely different - a "craft" blog, where I can review and discuss the books I'm reading on the craft of writing, post recommendations and exercises, and post samples of my daily writing practice.

Stay tuned....

The End


Last night, the NaNoWriMo project came to an end for me, with the concluding sentences of Dear Samantha. It was a little bittersweet, and I admit to feeling a sense of loss as I said goodbye to the characters I had spent a huge amount of time thinking/writing about over the past six weeks. So, here is the last bit of the story...

Samantha opened the white shutters of her bedroom and looked out at the brilliant blue sky that would be her wedding canopy. She smiled, and said a silent prayer of gratitude for the shining sun. The large white tent fluttered gently in the June breeze, and she could see her mother busily checking the flower arrangements on the tables.

“Good,” Samantha thought. “Mom’s up, so the coffee’s done.” She slipped one of Philip’s denim shirts on over the extra large T-shirt she habitually slept in, and lightly skipped down the stairs to the kitchen. Quickly filling an oversized mug with her mother’s favorite imported Swedish coffee, she hurried back to her bedroom, hoping to have a few moments to herself before her mother burst in, insisting it was time to do hair and nails.

Samantha piled all her pillows against the headboard, and propped herself up against them, drawing her shapely legs underneath her. Setting her mug on the white wooden bedside table, she reached for the book of letters her grandmother had left her. Opening it to the back where the pages were blank, Samantha picked up a pen and began to write.

June 14, 2_____


Dear TT,

I’m here at Castle Beach, and you were right when you said it was a place I would love. It’s the most spectacularly beautiful day – the sun is shining brilliantly, making thousands of glittering sparkles on the lake. There are birds playing a marvelous symphony for me, and the sky is the exact color blue of my true love’s eyes.

I’m getting married today, TT, right there on the deck where you loved to sit, where you caught your last glimpse of life on this earth. Perhaps that should make me feel sad, or strange about getting married there. Actually, it’s just the opposite. That spectacular view gives me such a feeling of fulfillment, of all being right with the world, that I think it’s the perfect place for momentous occasions.

Just so you know, I have cherished the letters you wrote to me. Mom gave them to me when I turned 13, along with her favorite photograph of you – the one where you’re standing here on the deck, squinting slightly in the sun, with one hand holding the down the straw hat that was flapping in the wind blowing in off the lake. I went right up to my room and read them all the way through. Some of your life was a little shocking, TT! Between you and me, I was really surprised Mom let me read them when she did. I loved that you were so honest about your life – the good and the bad – as well as the mistakes you made. It made me feel better to know that I didn’t have to be perfect – sometimes Mom is so very perfect, isn’t she?

I really wish I could have met Ian. Mom said he returned to England after you died. He sent her cards on Christmas for a few years, and then just dropped out of touch. But I wanted you to know that I’m having a flutist playing for me today, in honor of his music, and his love for you.

My fiancĂ© –soon to be my husband! – is a really good man, and he knows me inside out. He knows that sometimes I have a “dark night of the soul” as you called it. He’s very gentle with me during those times, and loves me even harder than usual. I don’t think I’m being naively romantic when I say I believe we will be in love forever. I know love changes over time, and with the experiences of life. I believe our love will survive those changes, and hopefully grow even stronger.

Philip and I each have passions in our lives, and I remember you writing about how important that was. My passion – it’s ballet, and I’m in the chorus of the Chicago Ballet Company. I love it so much – it fulfills my soul to be part of this moving work of art we call the ballet. Philip is a photographer – he freelances mostly, but is building his reputation as a dance photographer. After all, he has the perfect subject, doesn’t he?

I think it’s nearly time for me to get dressed. I’m beginning to hear more and more of a commotion down there in the front yard. My dress is gorgeous – it’s silk so white that it’s almost blue, a simple, sleeveless sheath that fits me to a T – oops, sorry for that bad pun, TT! I’m carrying white lilies, and wearing a pearl beaded tiara. I’m going to look smashing, if I do say so myself! Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that I had the seamstress sew a tiny pocket in the inner lining of the bodice, because I’m carrying the little stone heart you found for me that last spring you were here – you know the one that you painted your initials on.

I hear Mom coming up the stairs, so I’ll say goodbye – for now. You’ll be in my heart today, darling TT, as I have always felt I was in yours.

Love endlessly,
Samantha

Friday, November 24, 2006

The Home Stretch

The last two days have been pivotal days in the story. I have been writing with breathtaking speed, and it seems as if my fingers can't type as fast as the words are coming into my mind.
Word count tonight - and its bedtime - is 47, 060. I will probably finish this tomorrow. Wow.

Just tonight, I wrote Tara's death, and have now moved on into the future where we're meeting Samantha as a young woman, her fiance Philip, and seeing Anne as a middle aged mother. They're all at the lake, discussing plans for Sam and Philip's wedding. Sam is reading TT's journal and - well here, just read some....


The little book lay open on the bed, turned upside down so that only the mottled blue and green cloth cover was visible. A breeze from the open window rustled the white curtains, and the cry of gulls sounded from the direction of the lighthouse.

A petite, dark haired young woman stood at the window, gazing out toward the lake far below the house, which stood on a rise above the water. With one hand, she impatiently pushed her long hair behind her ear, while with the other, she fingered a tiny, heart shaped rock with the initials “TT” painted in minute script on one side, and the year ‘84 on the other.

She started at the sound of a voice from the hallway outside her door.

“Hey, honey, are you up here?”

“Hey is for horses, you stooge!” she said teasingly, to the lanky young man that had suddenly wrapped his arms around her.

“Neeeeigh!” he whinnied, nibbling wetly at her neck. “Can I have some sugar please?”

“Stop, you!” she protested half-heartedly, giving herself over to his silly gestures.

He stopped suddenly, eyeing the view of the lighthouse from the window. “It is so beautiful here,” he said softly. “You’re really lucky to have this place in your family.”
“Don’t I know it,” she replied. “I have loved coming here my whole life. In fact, I think my earliest memory is of this place, of sitting in my baby seat down there on the deck, looking at the sun’s reflection on the water and thinking it was just magic!”

“How long has your family owned this house?” he asked, walking over to the built in shelves that were laden with hardcover and paperback books of all vintages. Except for one shelf, that was covered with an assortment of rocks in varying shapes and sizes.

“Only since the early 70’s, when my grandparents bought it. They hadn’t been married too long, and they got it quite cheap and fixed it up over the summers.” She joined him at the shelves, and picked up one of the larger quartz rocks with jagged edges. “My grandmother collected all these just for me,” she told him.

“Really? That’s cool.” He started picking them up, one by one, and studying their unique shapes and colors. “I never realized it, but rocks are kind of like snowflakes, aren’t they? No two are exactly alike.”

“Exactly,” she said. “And, sort of like people, too.”

He smiled at her. “Is that so? I thought you and I were a matched pair.”

“Matched, but not identical,” she answered, tugging lightly at the sandy brown hair that had overgrown his shirt collar. “I have a better haircut, for one thing!”

He flopped down on the bed, quickly pulling her on top of him. She laughed, a ringing sound that floated out the window of the little room and was carried by the breeze over the lake. They kissed hungriliy, entwining their limbs around each other. As their laughter turned to murmurs and sighs, the little cloth bound book slipped to the floor with a quiet thud.

They had drifted off to sleep, when the sound of another voice came ringing through the house.

“Samantha! We’re back!”

“Oh, shit,” Samantha said, scurrying out of Philip’s embrace and scrambling into her white Capri pants. “Get up, you, hurry!” she hissed, tossing a pair of green plaid boxer shorts onto the bed.
“I’ll be right there, mom!” she called, pulling a green T-shirt with the words “Tiny Dancer” written on it, over her head.

Philip looked lazily at her, his green eyes soft with sleep and sex. “Come on, Sam,” he scolded.
“We’re engaged, after all. Your mum must know we’re sleeping together.”

“She may know, but she ‘doesn’t wish to acknowledge it,’ as she put it to me, when she said she hoped I wouldn’t mind that we had separate rooms. Of course I mind, but we’ll manage somehow– obviously!” She grinned and dashed out the door, pulling it slightly closed behind her.
“Mother,” he heard her call cheerily as she pattered bare-footed down the stairs, “you’re back early! How was lunch?”

“Typical club lunch,” Philip heard Anne Henson say, with the bored voice middle aged women seem to use to describe social functions that weren’t up to their expectations.

“Come sit with me on the deck and tell me all about it,” Samantha said, chummily steering her mother toward the front door. “I’ve got a pitcher of iced tea already down there, and some of those butter cookies you like so much.”

“You baked?” Anne asked sarcastically, knowing that Samantha was usually death in the kitchen.

“Well, actually, I found the dough in the freezer and just cut it in little chunks and baked it up. They aren’t exactly perfect looking, but they taste fine!”

Anne laughed, her daughter’s attempts at cooking always a source of amusement. “You’re just like your grandmother,” she said, “always content to make do with whatever came out of the oven.”

“I know, I’m no culinary genius. But I have other talents to make up for it!”

“That she does,” agreed Philip slyly, coming up behind Samantha and Anne as they walked down the grassy path to the lake. Samantha started, and hastily checked to make sure he was dressed, before giving him a wry grin in return.

“Your grandmother used to say the exact same thing,” Anne said, rather more wistfully this time.

The three of them settled into comfortably cushioned wicker chairs on the deck, and gazed out at the lake, the sun perched high in the sky. Philip held out the little book to Samantha. “I found this on the floor in your –upstairs,” he amended quickly, after a fiery warning look from Samantha’s dark eyes. “Is that your diary, darling? What kinds of secrets are you writing about? A secret lover perhaps?”
Samantha took the book from him, and batted his arm with it. “You’re a goof, Philip,” she chided him. “If I had a secret lover, I certainly wouldn’t be stupid enough to write about him while I’m here with my parents and fiancĂ©!”

Anne looked over to see what Samantha was holding. “Is that your grandmother’s letters to you?”
She asked. “Why, I haven’t seen you reading that in years. Had you left it up here?”

Samantha nodded. “I always leave it here, in the dresser in my bedroom. It seems to me that it belongs here, and I like to read it when I’m here because I feel closer to her.” Samantha looked over at Philip and said, “You know, my grandmother died right here on this deck, just a week before I was born.”

“No way!” he said in protest, feeling a tiny chill run up his spine.

“It’s true,” Anne said, nodding her head. “She was in the end stages of ovarian cancer, and had been up here with her…lover, I guess I might as well call him. I had begged her to come home, and she finally agreed, but on the day before they were to leave, she was sitting here in the sun and apparently died in her sleep.”

“She was writing to me at the time,” Samantha said. “She started this journal for me when she was diagnosed, writing all about herself and her life, so I would sort of know who she was.”

“She knew she wouldn’t live to see Samantha grow up,” Anne said, “but we were all hopeful that she would at least live long enough to see her born, and hold her in her arms. That was heartbreaking to me, that she missed the birth by such a short time.” Anne sighed heavily.
“At first, I was bitter about the fact that she had stayed out here for the last weeks of her life, and prevented me from being with her, taking care of her, perhaps even shortening the time she had left.” She stared out onto the lake, soaking up the view that had been the last sight her mother had seen. “But then I realized that this was the place she loved most, and felt the most at home, so it was right for her to be here at the end.”

“So, tell me about the lover,” Philip said. “If I’m not being too forward.”

Anne smiled ruefully, and Samantha laughed. “My mother and grandmother had some “issues” about the Ian,” she told Philip. “He was quite a bit younger, for one thing, and he and TT had an affair while she was married to Grandad.”
“Really!” Philip exclaimed. Somehow, you never thought of someone’s grandmother in the same context with extramarital affairs. “And, who’s ‘TT’”?

“That’s what my grandmother wanted me to call her,” Samantha explained. “It stood for ‘Tiny Tara,’ a college nickname.”

“So, this Ian fellow, he was with her at the end?” Philip continued, obviously intrigued by this portion of Samantha’s history.

“Yes, they met after a long separation during the Christmas season just following her diagnosis. She and Dad had been divorced a long time by then, and they immediately took up where they had left off 13 years before.”

“Wow,” Philip said. “This sounds like something on Days of Our Lives. My grandmother simply watches that show every day, and your grandmother actually kind of lived it!”

Samantha and Anne both laughed. “Mother was a bit different,” Anne admitted. “A little bit on the edge for her time. I was quite hard nosed about Ian, I guess, and made life pretty miserable for her. The second time around with him, I finally got to know him and appreciate how much he loved her. He took marvelous care of her at the end, and I know that meant everything to her, to have him with her.”

Samantha stared out over the water, following the progress of a flock of Canadian Geese. “I so wish I could have known her. She seems so much like me. When I read her letters to me, if almost feels as if I could have written them myself.”

Anne studied her daughter’s profile – the slender nose, the delicate features, her dark shiny hair and black eyes. “You are incredibly like her, in many ways,” she agreed, almost sadly it seemed.
“It’s funny, because I was a lot like my grandmother Frances – we were great chums, and I think Mom always felt a bit left out. You and she would have been wonderful friends.”

“Was she a dancer too?” Philips asked, referring to Samantha’s position with the Chicago Ballet.

“No, she was a pianist,” Samantha answered. “She founded a piano quintet that was quite well known in Chicago in the late 70’s and early 80’s.”

“So, the book, it’s her diary?”

“Not really. It’s actually letters, addressed to me. Here, look at it for yourself.” She handed the slim volume to Philip, who opened the cover and read, “For Samantha, with Endless Love.”

“How did she know your name?” he asked, puzzled.Anne answered, with a grin at Samantha. “I was driving her crazy because I wouldn’t let them tell me the baby’s sex, and I kept changing my mind about what I was going to call her/him. Mother was determined that the baby was a girl, and one day early on I used the name Samantha, and she liked it, so it stuck.”

“Did you really intend to name me that, Mom? Or did TT influence you?”

“You know, I had pretty much decided on Tara Elizabeth, her name and my middle name. You know, she was a great fan of the history of the monarchy,” she added. “But when I found the letters she had written you, I knew you had to be Samantha. Not ‘Sam,’” she added, “she was very explicit about that on the first page!”

“I remember,” Samantha laughed.

Philip poured more iced tea in Samantha’s glass, and continued glancing through the book.



Thursday, November 23, 2006

Character Study

In my reading of Write Away, I went back to the beginning this morning, to review some of the things George says initially about craft, begininng with character, for she says that the story is character, so that's where we need to start.

Our characters must:
  • be flawed;
  • doubt themselves about something;
  • grow and change;
  • get into conflict.

If I go back and think of my own characters in these terms, I realize I haven't thought through their psychological profile deeply enough. That is my task for the next day or two, to think about Tara particularly and try first to identify these things and then reveal them in her character.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Chugging Along

I got to the 35,000 word point over the weekend, and I was feeling very good about finishing this project, this novel-ette. But, boy, I feel like I've come to a grinding halt tonight. Of course, it could be because the last two days at work have been just a big pressure cooker, with all this work to be done and too few people to do it. However, I do feel as if I've stepped up to the plate in a big way at work, which can only be to my advantage. I also love being a hero, and there are only so many ways I can do that.

I'm thinking that the big obstacle could be that I'm at the point where Tara is dying, and I'm feeling some separation anxiety, dare I even say grief, about that. Of course, Tara is an amalgam of me in many ways, even though most of her characteristics are not ones I have, necessarily, but I perhaps wish I had. Like her ability to speak her mind, to take risks, to stand up for herself and not take any guff.

So, perhaps its a reluctance to let this character go that's keeping the words from flowing as freely as they ususally do...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

TT's Thanksgiving

Dear Samantha,

I got side-tracked earlier (told you that happens to me when I write!) because I meant to tell you a little about the Cavanaugh family Thanksgiving traditions. They are very important, dear Samantha, so just in case you have to plan things without my expert guidance some day, these are the things you should know about Thanksgiving.

We always have turkey. It has never mattered that I don’t really like turkey, and neither did my father, actually. It’s traditional to have turkey, so we do. I understand that, I’m as interested in tradition as the next guy. I only wish we could occasionally have something else too, even some thick slices of a good smoked ham would be fine. But turkey it is, with sage and cornbread dressing (made with real cornbread, baked from scratch and still hot from the over when it’s made into the stuffing). Baked oysters, with a butter bread crumb topping, my mother’s nod to her eastern seaboard ancestors. Sliced sweet potatoes, sprinkled with nutmeg and cinnamon. Mashed potatoes, creamy smooth and brought to the table with a little crater in the center where a pat of butter sits melting happily. Parkerhouse rolls, also made from scratch, all tufted and brown on the top. Fruit salad, a concoction only Richard’s mother could make, with canned fruit cocktail, imprisoned in layers of strawberry and lime Jello, then covered with a blanket of Cool Whip.

And dessert – of course, the (again traditional) pumpkin and apple pies, but also Richard’s grandmother’s Scottish shortbread, a truly mouth watering little cookie that tastes like pure squares of sweet butter. Hot coffee, lightened with just a whisper of Bailey’s Irish Cream.
So much for the food, which today was in the very capable culinary hands of your own mother. I hope you were taking notes in there, dear Samantha, so that someday you’ll be able to carry on the Thanksgiving meal time feast.

The cast of characters at the Cavanaugh family holiday table is also quite traditional. As I think about the Thanksgivings of the past, it was always my parents (my mother usually presided over the affair so she could show off her Royal Doulton and her Waterford), Richard’s parents, who managed to keep their bickering on ice for all of about 5 minutes, Richard’s sister Louise, who usually got a page to rush over to the hospital, where there was always a shortage of doctors on holidays, leaving her husband Roger to mind their three obnoxious boys. Of course, my mother’s sister Yvonne and her spinster daughter, Kathryn, whom I’m quite sure was a lesbian, although my mother would never entertain that suggestion. I mean, she had the Rosie O’Donnell haircut in 1982, for God’s sake! And, of course, Richard and I, and your mother.

Wow, I’d almost forgotten about all the people that used to gather for Thanksgiving. It was quite a big deal in those days, wasn’t it? Out would come the best china, and the crystal goblets, along with my great grandmother’s silver service, which it often fell to me to polish. My father would make a least three trips to Hansen’s Wine Store, picking out just the right Pinot Grigio and Beaujolais to complement the turkey. I think Mr. Hansen let him do lots of sampling there in the shop’s basement wine cellar. I can just see the two of them, my dad wearing his favorite fall corduroy trousers and his old Northwestern sweat shirt, Mr. Hansen, who always dressed in brown or dark green, as if he were trying to camofloge himself in the colors of the vineyards. They’d stand around, taking delicate but manly sips of the various vintages, rolling them around on their tongues.

“Quite nice,” my father would say pensively, not yet ready to commit himself. After all, there were so many more to be tasted and tried, before choosing the perfect bottle!

“Here, Ted, try this estate bottled Pinot Noir from Grand Traverse Resort. It’s amazing what richness they’ve been able to get in the Great Lakes vineyards.”

Oh, that was another of my dad’s stipulations – on Thanksgiving, we served only American wines, preferably those from our own Great Lakes regional vinters.

So, he would while away a couple of hours at Hansen’s each afternoon on the weekend prior to the big holiday, and come home in an extremely good mood. He often bought an entire case of whatever his picks for the year were, and he and my mother would open a bottle for dinner that very evening.

As I think back on it, I have never really been in charge of Thanksgiving. My mother reigned supreme over holidays, and, Anne was always her chief apprentice. By the time Frances died, Anne was ready to take over, which was perfectly fine with me. Like I said, I’m no genius in the kitchen. My function during the holiday was much better suited to my taste and talent. Like a true daughter of the Renaissance, I provided the musical entertainment for the evening. I spent all my pre-holiday preparation putting together a real Age of Enlightenment style musical evening, complete with printed programs and recital hall style seating in my music room. When Anne was a teenager, I could usually convince her to sing something – she had a lovely, pure voice, one any 18th century maiden would have been proud to show off. A couple of little Mozart songs, maybe a Schubert, which she would perform flawlessly, her shoulders back, hands resting gently at her sides, her beautiful dark eyes flashing. I always played the crowd pleasers – Moonlight Sonata, some Chopin favorites – the Preludes, the Fantasie Impromptu – and usually ended my program with something flashy like Rondo a la Turk, or the Minute Waltz (played in a minute, which I encouraged people to time!) So, we’d have our little concert, along with an aperitif, and then some of the men would collapse in the den to watch football while the women cleaned up (how much more traditional can you get?)

That was Thanksgiving, back in the day. I’ve realized though, dear Samantha, how things have changed over the years, almost without me really seeing it. Of course, both my parents are gone now, my dad almost 20 years ago, and Frances, back in 1996. Richard’s parents have moved to Florida. Louise and Roger divorced long ago, before Richard and I, and neither one of them lives in this area at all. As for those obnoxious boys of theirs – I have no idea where they are or what they’re doing! My Aunt Yvonne lives in an assisted living facility (with a “special neighborhood for the memory impaired,” if you can believe that!) Kathryn, well, she’s living with her “friend,” a woman named Calista, out in the woods of Vermont where they make hand crafted furniture!

Now today’s Thanksgiving was a little different than it’s been for the past few years. Your mother has always insisted we do the full Cavanaugh dinner, even though recently there have only been she and Jonathan at the table. Sometimes Jonathan’s parents will be at home – many times they go on cruises for the holidays, a convenient way to opt out of any family functions – and they will join us. Anne likes to have the meal here, for some reason. She’s actually quite sentimental, although she probably wouldn’t want you to think so. But today, we had quite a crew. Anne and Jonathan, of course. Jonathan’s parents, Lisa and Robert, who are really interesting and well traveled people, also joined us. And, of course, you were here today, dear Samantha! I am actually starting to see signs of your presence, just a slight mound around your mom’s slender middle, but a growing mound nonetheless! Richard was here, too. It was good to share a holiday meal with my whole family – all that’s left of them.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Half-Way Point

We're a little over half way through the month, and I've certainly neglected my plan to continue chronicling the process here. Not surprising though, since I've been trying to keep up about a 2000 word a day output on the novel.

I'm at about 30,000 words, as of last night, which is just about on target. I changed course a little bit last week, when it occurred to me to have Ian return to Tara's life, and stay the course of her illness with her. This of course brings her into conflict with Anne, who has never quite forgiven Tara for her infidelity, which she felt led to the breakup of her parents marriage. I've just come to that point in the story now...


I didn’t tell Ian the whole story about the cancer until the next morning. I wanted us to have one glorious night together, one chance to enjoy everything about our reunion – body, mind, and spirit – without the specter of illness hanging over our heads. As the flames of the fire burned down, the flames within our hearts began to smolder and ignite, until soon we were wrapped in each others arms, so filled with warmth from the love that had returned to us, that we felt as if we could never be cold again.

How marvelous is the physical union between two people who share a meeting of the minds, as well as of the body. That’s what makes sex a marvel, dear Samantha. As you pass through your teen years, your hormones raging, it doesn’t seem to matter whether the spiritual connection is there, as long as the flesh is willing (which it always seems to be at that age!) As you get older, though, it’s the passion of the spirit that sparks passion in the body, and sex isn’t the same without that connection.

So, we definitely had our night, and after that I was sure that he was with me for better or worse. Of course, I loathed the fact that I had to tell him I was seriously ill, that in a matter of three weeks, my body would slide through a huge magnetic tube which would resonate images of my insides showing all the cancerous areas glowing brightly on the technicians computer screen. These pictures of the battlefield that was my body would show how much cancer had been destroyed by the chemotherapy, and how much remained, lying in wait, and ready to go in for the ultimate victory. I hated the fact that when he twined his fingers in my hair, his hands sometimes came away filled with strands of it, or that when I laughed a little too hard- which was so easy to do with him around! - I got horrible fits of coughing that left me breathless and totally exhausted. I hated that my once flat abdomen was now pouchy and tender, and that sometimes the weight of his body on mine was more painful than pleasurable.

For all those reasons, I hated to tell him – but, tell him I did. I suppose it was selfish of me to let him spend even one night with me, to even bring him home with me. I should have told him right there in the church, and sent him on his way, back to his safe life in Toronto, where his friends were healthy and had long lives ahead of them. But, forgive me dear Samantha, I seem to be nothing if not completely selfish where this man is concerned. I wanted to be with him once again, if only for one night.

“We must talk,” I said to him the next morning. We had finally gotten up and dressed – of course he had to put his tux pants and shirt back on, and it was strange to see his touseled hair and scruffy beard with the still sharp creases of his white shirt and crisp black trousers. I smiled and handed him some tea.

“What – no coffee?” he asked, surprised.

“I know you don’t drink coffee,” I answered, pouring tea into my own mug as well. “And I’m a bit off it myself these days.”

“I never thought I’d see the day you didn’t rise to a cup of coffee first thing in the morning,” he laughed. “You must be really sick!”

I didn’t answer his joking remark, knowing he was soon going to regret this attempt at humor.

“You are, aren’t you?” he said quietly.

“Yes,” I replied. “I’m afraid I am.”

Ian sat in silence while I told him the whole story – the diagnosis coming from nowhere, the intense round of chemotherapy, the waiting now to find out if had halted, or at least contained, the march of this enemy through my system. When I finished, he leaned over and put his head in his hands. “Dear God, my darlin’ girl…” he whispered, barely able to go on.

“I am determined to think positively about this,” I said, as strongly and defiantly as I could manage. “I have read countless articles about the power of positive thinking in defeating cancer and other illnesses. You know I’m not a quitter, Ian,” I went on. “I will fight this tooth and nail!”

“And I’ll be here with you,” he said quietly. “Nothing will keep me away from you now.”

I laughed ruefully. “You have no idea what you’re saying,” I said. “You cannot stay here with me for the next however long it takes! Who knows what’s coming next? No, you have a life and a job in Toronto – you cannot just abdicate it all.”

“What life? I have a tiny apartment on Yonge Street where I go to take a shower and change my clothes. I eat most of my meals at the deli or the pub, I spend most of my time at the Hall, or at the University teaching. There are plenty of flutists out there subbing who can finish this season for me, and, after that, well, I’ll start looking for auditions around here.”

Continued protest appeared to be futile – he was determined, dear Samantha, I’ll have to give him that. And, to be totally honest, I surely wanted him to stay, wanted it with all my energy and strength.

So, it’s been decided, apparently. Ian will move in here with me and help me get through whatever happens next.

Now comes the really hard part…telling Anne Elizabeth.


Love endlessly,
TT

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Letters, Letters...

September 16, 2__________

Dear Samantha,

Those are very nasty pills Dr. Rex gave me. I was up most of the night feeling as if I were on one of those horrible rides at the amusement park that spin you round and round in circles. I just hope they’re giving those nasty cancer cells as much misery as they’re causing the rest of me.

For some reason, last night the Trout Quintet kept playing in my head. That thundering first chord just kept crashing in my ears, and then those skittering runs would shiver down my spine. That’s one of my favorite pieces of music in all the world, but last night, I wished Schubert had never written it!

The first time I heard the Trout was when I was in high school. Angela Sloan, my wonderful teacher, told me about a concert on the university campus where I could hear the Trout performed live by a really good group. “Camerata,” I believe was the name of the group. The pianist was a young woman from Toronto, with long dark hair that she had pulled back from her face with a big silver clip. She was probably Italian, now that I think about it – I don’t remember her name, but I do remember the intense love and concentration with which she came to her instrument. From the moment she sat down to the keys, she was no longer in the room. It was so obvious that the music transported her to some magical, mythical place, where only she and the other musicians could dwell. I was sitting close enough to watch her hands, and I remember thinking that they seemed kind of short and wide (like mine), not the sort of hands you would expect to be able to pull such vitality out of the Schubert. She led the group with such calm assurance. I could see the flitting glances between her and the first violinist, occasionally a quick half smile or nod, a gentle lean into the music prompting the momentum to increase.

Needless to say, dear Samantha, I was captivated. Not only by the music, but by the working relationship of this group, as they seemed to become alternately one instrument, and then splinter off into their separate parts like stars from a comet. Right then and there, I decided I had to be part of a group like that. I went back to school the next day and recruited two violinists from the school orchestra- Nancy Shaffer and Lisa Reston, and Karen D’Angelo on viola. Good solid musicians, but not inspired. It was David Estancia, the cellist, that added the extra spice we needed. God, he was so handsome! The olive skinned, dark haired good looks inherited from his Portuguese forefathers, along with their spicy temperament and fiery passion for art and music. I think he had ancestors who were Flamenco guitarists and dancers. When he sat down and pulled his cello between his knees, and then hugged it close to his chest, the three of us girls nearly fainted every time. At first, it was hard to get any work done during rehearsals. You know how high school girls are – well you don’t actually, not yet anyway – even the high minded girls like Nancy, Lisa, and I. After all, we were only human, and we had hormones too! And David, well he loved the attention. He flirted shamefully with all three of us. Secretly, we each thought we were his favorite girl, but he never really favored one of us over the other. He was a good and thoughtful friend, too. When Nancy’s parents got divorced and she was so lost and angry, he would bring little gifts to each rehearsal and hide them in her violin case, or in her coat pocket.

Naturally, David turned out be gay – your mother would say you shouldn’t know about things like that, but, my dear, it’s a fact of life now that lots of people choose alternate lifestyles, as they so euphemistically call it. Men are attracted to men, and women to women. It’s as simple as that. In my opinion, it’s a private matter between the individuals involved – it’s not a symptom of the downfall of society, as your mother will probably tell you it is. Her position on that subject is just one of the areas where we do not see eye to eye, and have finally “agreed to disagree,” as the saying goes.

That first quintet - Da Capo, we called ourselves – was the highlight of my senior year in high school. One of life’s true joys is working together with people who are all passionate about the same thing. I’ve had the privilege of doing that ever since, in some form or another. I hope you will, too, someday.

Love endlessly,
TT

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Next Letter...

September 15, 2__________


Dear Samantha,

Sorry for the big gap in time, but your TT has been overcome, overwhelmed, and completely bogged down in medical mumbo jumbo. My dear friend Dr. Sandy has turned me over to her lovely colleague, a Dr. Rex Alexander. His last name should be Tyrannosaurus, if you get my drift. He’s got my life for the next twelve weeks all planned, and it involves me spending inordinate amounts of time in the accommodations of his choosing, with tubes dripping lethal chemical cocktails into my veins. He says I’ll still be able to read, write, and listen to music while this is going on. However, I saw the look on the nurse’s face, and I have a feeling that’s all just smoke and mirrors in an attempt to get me to go along with his scheme. Whatever - I at least have to give it the old college try, don’t I?

Speaking of college – you will love it! I know that seems like a long time in the future, but trust me, time totally flies when life is good and you’re having fun. And college is just the most fun ever! Make sure you go away somewhere, because that’s the best part. I admit, at first it’s a really weird feeling to share some dinky little room with someone you hardly know, and maybe don’t even like all that much. But, if you’re anything like me, you won’t spend much time in your room. Now, hang on, I didn’t mean it like that - I did some partying, but not all that much. What I meant was, that you’ll get involved in so many activities that you’ll always be off somewhere doing some fun thing or other. And, if you’re lucky enough to inherit your TT”s musical genius (and humility!) you’ll find your way into enough things to keep you from ever missing the comforts of home.

Seriously, the trick to enjoying college, or anything in life, is to jump in and try lots of things. Get involved with whatever you’re passionate about. If it’s not music, maybe it will be photography, or science. Even your mom has picked up on that trick for living. Just because I don’t agree with most of the things she’s passionate about, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t give her whole heart to them.

I probably shouldn’t talk this way about your mom, dear Samantha. After all, she is my own flesh and blood, my first and only born. She will be a wonderful mother to you, in her way, which will be overly bossy and mightily opinionated. But she will love you with every ounce of her being, and that’s saying a lot. You will need lots of patience at times, but, if you stick with her, she’ll reward you in the end.

I was only 24 when your mom was born, so I was pretty young myself. My college days were freshly over, and I had just gotten engaged to your grandfather. (We’ll talk about him more later.)
So young and in love, excited to get on with our lives, we hurried up the wedding and found a little apartment not far from campus where I was still involved with several musical groups and could pick up lots of accompanying jobs. Anne Elizabeth, my royal princess, named for those English roses I was so fond of reading about, was “to the manor born,” as the saying goes. Certainly not literally, but she had a regal bearing even as an infant. I can still see her, sitting up so straight and tall in her highchair, staring me down with those huge blue eyes as she daintily accepted her little spoonfuls of strained peas and applesauce. For the longest time, she refused to wear anything except dresses, and her closet was filled with row upon row of pink, yellow, and lavender printed delights, most of them purchased for her by her grandmother, Queen Frances.

Anne was a challenge for me. She was always such a perfectionist, even when she was very small. I remember how she would cry and cry when she couldn’t color exactly inside the lines of her coloring books, or if her stickers got stuck and ripped as she was peeling them off the page. It was as if the world were coming to an end. No amount of comforting or distraction could make up for the fact that something she was doing wasn’t coming out correctly.

Life is hard when you’re like that, and it was hard for your mom. She couldn’t understand why other children didn’t take things as seriously as she did. “All they want to do is play these stupid games!” she would complain bitterly. Sure they did, they were just kids. Anne always came up with elaborate scenarious for her games, requiring everyone to play a role perfectly, and follow her direction. I though she would surely go into the theater, because she certainly had a flair for the dramatic. “Honestly!” she would exclaim, in exasperation at some faux pas on the part of one of her friends or her parents. The blue eyes would roll in disgust, and she would shudder in mock horror.

There was one person your mom was always in complete harmony with. Her grandmother – my mother Frances.

Frances Lysander, born on the east side of Boston, to a college professor and a suffragette. Intellectual, was Frances, and somewhat on the haughty side. I remember her dressing for dinner every day, even when it was just the four of us at the table. She might be on her hands and knees, sweating in her rose garden at 4:30, but by 6:00 she was perfectly coiffed, fresh pink lipstick on her lips, and one of those full skirted dresses swirling around her slim, nylon clad ankles. I couldn’t figure that out, but it seemed to please my dad. He always had a big smile for her when he came in, and I loved the way he could grab her around the waist and twirl her off the ground. She would always scold him good naturedly, although she was laughing in delight. Such a twinkle in her eye when my dad was around. I never saw her happier than when they were together.

Anne Elizabeth and Frances were two of a kind. They could potter around for hours in a craft shop, oohing and ahhing over different colors of yarn, plotting just what kind of sweater or blanket they could knit. And put them in a nursery or botanical garden and they wouldn’t come out for days. When your mom graduated from high school, Frances took her to England for a month. They toured all the gardens from Kent to York. I believe your mother would consider that the highlight of her life. Until you’re born, of course.

She’s a really good person, your mom. You will learn your own way to handle her. And maybe you will be enough like her that you’ll know just how to circumvent all her little idiosyncrasies.

Time for another handful of those horse pills that lovely doctor gave me. We’ll talk again soon, I promise…

Love endlessly,
TT

Some Thoughts on the Process

It's Day 3 of Dear Samantha, my NaNoWriMo in progress, and it's been interesting so far. The first two days were super easy. I had time to write, and write I did. The words just poured out.
As I went into day three I had nearly 6000 words done. This is a cinch, I thought cockily.

Well, then again, maybe not. The words today are a little harder to get going. My mind feels a bit like a car engine on a cold morning - just not cranking over. I'm also more distracted today, with errands and work on my mind.

I've also slept very poorly the past two nights -not quite sure why, as I'm usually a pretty good sleeper (with the help of 1 Tylenol PM). So, last night, these thoughts about the novel came roaring into my head:

  1. I'm playing the story out too quickly;
  2. Maybe I need to go back to the letters I've already done and flesh them out more;
  3. I need more dialogue (not my strong suit);
  4. Should I be telling Tara's story in chronological order, rather than skipping around?
  5. No, I think the format (the letters) fits better with relating things as they would occur to her on the given day she is writing the letters.

Here are some other things I'm doing for inspiration:

  • Re-reading The Whole World Over, by Julia Glass, my favorite novel of 2006, hoping some of her gift for luscious description, great characterization, dialect, and storytelling, will seep into my brain through osmosis...
  • More "moving meditation" (or walking) to free up my thought processes and allow the higher creative powers to do their work.

And so I go on....

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Another Letter Arrives

September 2, 2____,


Dear Samantha,


In all that talk yesterday about names, I got sidetracked from the real purpose of these missives to you. This has been a rather odd week in the life of your TT. Early this week, when your mother called me with the fabulous news that you were on the way, I have to say I was walking on air. Although I’ve said absolutlely nothing about it – I am not a meddling mother, whatever you might hear to the contrary, because God knows I had enough meddling from my own mother –I have been yearning for you for simply ages. It’s been so long since your mother was young, and your mother, well, she was what we all called an “old soul.” It seemed as if it were hard for her to have fun. She always took things so seriously, martialing all her baby dolls into neat rows every night, arranging them just so in their beds and admonishing them to “go to sleep this instant.” She used to ride her bike endlessly around the same loop of streets, never even willing to venture into the neighborhoods on the other side of the road. I never worried about your mother getting into any kind of trouble, though, so for me, that was a relief. But then, as she got older, I began to worry about that very fact. See, I think it’s natural to get in a little trouble sometimes – nothing really dangerous, mind you, just some minor mischief.

So, I’ve been hoping she would decide to have children, although part of me was fearful that she would be a rather oppressive mother (remember those poor dolls, shunted off to bed and ordered to sleep!) My mission would be to make sure she didn’t ruin the life of the poor child with her orderliness and her passion for “doing the right thing.” After all, who else would feed the little one ice cream before dinner, or let her play in the sandbox even when the sand was wet? Who else wouldn’t care if tops and bottoms of clothes didn’t quite match, or if hair wasn’t cut and curled just so? That’s where I come in, the presence of a safe haven for the free spirit, the one that coaxes the playfulness and independence out and cherishes them.

This is the point where I tell you that my week took a turn for the worse, just a few days after I found out about you. I was in Dr. Sandy’s office – she’s been my doc for ages now, and I’ve always taken pretty good care of myself.

“Perfectly healthy as always,” Doc Sandy tells me each year after my physical.

“Won’t see you soon!” I always call our cheerily as she leaves me to dispose of that nasty paper gown and get dressed.

“I hope not!” she’ll reply, with a smile and a wave. But this time, she sat down on the little stool and picked up my hand.

“What?” I said guardedly, knowing just from the look of her round little Asian face that this wasn’t going to be good news.

I was right about that. A “mass” – that ubiquitous term doctors use to describe large, foreign things growing inside your body – was attached to my ovaries. Long story short, that “mass” is the dreaded cancer, Stage 3, they say, which does not refer to the door behind which my grand prize awaits. Unless you consider the grand prize all kinds of vile treatments intended to prolong my apparently shortened lifespan.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Dear Samantha. I have not given up on myself – not by a long shot. I’ll go through with any of the vile treatments they plan to dish out. Life is just too precious for me to give up on it – especially with you on the way. After all, I have a real mission now – to save you from your ever loving mother! But, just in case, I thought I’d write down some of the things I’d like you to know.

So the letters were born. I hope I can read them to you someday, but, if not, they’ll all be here in this pretty book, and you’ll know where to find me.

Endless love,
TT

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

And the Story Officially Begins

September 1, 2____


Dear Samantha (or whatever they’re calling you today),

I have no idea whether your name will be Samantha or not, because your mother keeps changing her mind about what to call you. Today, it ‘s Samantha, but yesterday, it was Ava, and just last week she was calling you Emma. In my opinion, Samantha is a great name, just as long as they don’t’ start calling you Sam. Even if you’re a perfect tomboy (now there’s a word that’s hardly used any more!) I simply don’t care for the name Sam. It’s too round and old-worldly for my taste. Too much the “I’ve had so many sons, I can’t think of any more names,” or “let’s name this one for my great uncle who owned the candy store in the Bronx.” At any rate, I’ve decided to stick with Samantha, so there you are.

So, Samantha, this is the first in a big batch of letters you’re going to get from me. They aren’t actually letters, at least not in the old fashioned sense of words being written on flowery stationary, placed in envelopes, addressed with an old-fashioned spidery handwriting, and then mailed (or sent by pony express, circa 1806). I went out to The Paper Maiche today. It’s absolutely my favorite store in all the world – I’ll take you there someday. I bought a wonderful bound notebook, which is covered with a soft green and blue pattern, that calls to mind the different colors of the sea over at Castle Beach (another place I have to take you someday.) I decided to use this lovely notebook to write my notes to you. I’ll be sort of setting them adrift on the sea of shiny white paper that lives inside these covers.

I’m not at all sure what I’ll be writing about in these letters. Probably just whatever comes to mind. You’ll notice as I tell you more about myself, that I tend to ramble a bit, and that sometimes I say things in a funny sort of way. You’ll also realize right off the bat that I’m not your conventional grandmother – yikes! I think that’s the first time I’ve ever written that word, at least in reference to myself. And that brings up another very pertinent issue, particularly since we were just talking about names. What in the world are you going to call me? I have an intense dislike of the work “grandma,” and not just because of the white hair in a bun images it conjures up. I just find it an ugly word to describe something that’s really quite special. I know, it’s a derivative of “grand-mother,” and I hope I will be that to you. I would even settle for being a “grand-ma,” although the word “ma” makes me shudder. Even the cute little substitutes for the dreaded grandma – like grammy or nana- leave me cold. My friend’s Susan’s grandchildren call her Mimi – have no idea where that came from, but it isn’t too bad. I probably shouldn’t steal that special name from her. Susan has always been the possessive type.

When I first met Susan, she was in our about to be shared dorm room setting up her sewing machine ( yes, girls back in the 60’s sometimes took their sewing machines to college, especially if you were a home ec major like Susan). She had commandeered the window side of the room, and had unfolded her portable sewing table and stood it up right in front of the window. Just as she was about to place the Singer SewMaster 500 on top of the table, I dropped my bag with a loud, intended to startle thump. “Thanks for hogging the window!” I yelped at her.

Well, she raised herself to her full 5’9”, tossed her long, obviously artificially straightened blonde hair, and retorted “You’re might tiny to be so full of yourself!”

One thing led to another, and before long she started calling me “Tiny,” or “Tiny Tara,” and then it just became “TT.” So, that’s what I think I’ll have you call me. She has always said that her first blurted impression was a perfect fit, and that I packed a lot of self assurance and confidence into my very small frame. I could certainly use a healthy dose of confidence right now.

So now that we’ve gotten our names sorted out, I must return to my confessions about my qualifications for the role of grandmother. I should apologize up front, because I’m not really the type that’s going to bake you cookies every time you come to visit, or sew fabulous costumes for Halloween. But, if you want someone to teach you a mean boogie woogie on the piano, or go for endless bike rides on the trails at Hawthorne Mountain, or take you to Blu Sushi for their awesome Volcano rolls, then that would be me –TT.

I’m actually hoping you won’t be the conventional granddaughter either. Your mother, God bless her, is conventional enough for both of us. It never ceases to amaze me that I could raise a woman who bakes her own bread, grows her own vegetables, serves on more church committees than I even knew existed, and - votes Republican! No, you can be as unconventional as you like – pierce anything you want (well, almost anything – there are some areas at which I would definitely draw the line!), dye your hair puce green, wear combat boots to the prom –who cares?
Make no mistake, dear Samantha, your mother will most definitely care. She will care about you fiercely, and hoard your independence like a mother lion guards the days prey. You will need someone to save you from that fierce love, someone who can keep her from smothering you with her blanket of concern and caring, rather than just warming you with its softness and security. Again, that would be where I come in. When the road on Anne Elizabeth’s highway to self righteousness gets too tough, you can count of me to help you navigate the detour.

Most importantly Samantha, is that you remain true to your own nature. It won’t be like Anne Elizabeth’s, and it won’t be like mine. It won’t even be like your great-grandmother Frances, whose stubbornness and rigidity were legendary in this family. Your nature will be yours alone, a fine mixture of all the good traits just now starting to simmer in your miniscule gene pool. Just learn to listen to it, and follow where it leads. That’s the only road you need to travel.

Endless love,
TT